This Lakshmi Puja, as all the beautiful ladies in Bengal are still uploading their best pictures of hitting the streets during Durga Puja, we heard that the celestial sisters, Lakshmi and Saraswati, were talking about their plans for the NEXT year, already! Our correspondent went for a quick chat to get some fashion tips from them, but found that they were busy in another discussion on how to avoid getting groped in a Durga Puja pandal.
Here are some tips from them on how to prevent getting groped in a Durga Puja Pandal, and excerpts of the conversation:
The Right Clothes
Lakshmi: We should TOOOTALLY wear an armour. I loved what the Gal chick wore in the Wonder Woman movie. I have always wanted something like that.
Saraswati: Our Mom has never worn one. I won’t either. I say we wear sarees. The anchal is the perfect weapon of strangulation.
Lakshmi: What are you talking about?
Saraswati: Think about it. Why do you think that the women who first started wearing sarees decided to leave so much of unused fabric flying around?
Lakshmi: I guess Indian women are smart, most of our fashion choices have a tool of strangulation. Anchol, dupatta of a salwar kameez, latkans…
The Right Hairstyle
Saraswati: Speaking of weaponised fashion choices, long hair plaits, ribbons, and gajra come to mind… In that case, I’m not cutting my hair too short next year, either, as my stylist keeps suggesting.
Lakshmi: I guess we can get a nice French braid done, and have a nice fat rope at our disposal. In fact, if we can flip the braid in the right direction and with the right force, it can also be a good “slap.”
The Right Fragrance
Lakshmi: A bottle of pepper spray in the bag is a must.
Saraswati: Agreed. I’ll also be putting on some Odomos. Just to keep the pests and vermins away.
The Right Shoes
Saraswati: I know what you’ll say, but I’m not wearing heels.
Lakshmi: Yes, we are. They are perfect for stamping on the feet of guys who have no control over their hands. I want to see their faces turn red as they gulp down a scream.
Saraswati: Ooooo Lakshmi! What happened to the Lakshmi inside you?!
The Right Food Stalls
Lakshmi: We are supposed to avoid food stalls that sell noodles, as well as those with non-veg food.
Saraswati: What? Why are you talking like a Murkho Morkot?
Lakshmi: Yes. Apparently, these cause urges in men to do nasty things. I have heard important people say so.
Saraswati: I think those ministers, as well as you, need to study some biology and nutrition.
The Right Gaze
Saraswati: If you want to follow “important people”, then don’t make eye contact with men. Otherwise, they may interpret it as a “suggestive” gesture. Turn on your best bitch face and destroy everyone around you. Turn them into Bhasm.
Lakshmi: AWW! What if I see that cute boy named Sujoy?
Saraswati: Well, a) stop fantasising about chocolate boys who only get impressed by women in pretty dresses. And, b) Narayan Da. That’s all I have to say.
Lakshmi: Uff, shut up. It’s just harmless jhaari mara. I am allowed to appreciate the aesthetic beauty of a human.
And Finally… The Right Choice
Saraswati: Onek bhablam, bujhli… Let’s skip the whole pandal-hopping thing next year.
Saraswati: I am literally too old for this. Every Durga Puja pandal is going to be even more crowded next year, from Mahalaya itself, I guess.
Lakshmi: Yes, Maa was telling me about her experience this year. She actually finished watching all the episodes of “Hello” on Hoichoi in a single ride!
Saraswati: People will anyway not miss our absence. Some men stay busy looking for women to grope, and other men have to suffer the suspicious scanning by women.
Lakshmi: And women have to wonder how to avoid being manhandled by an invisible hand in the crowd at the Durga Puja Pandal.
Saraswati: Let’s just hang at home next year and watch the new web series and originals, or find other things to do during the next Durga Puja festival.
Lakshmi: I’d like that.